Waiting makes me feel like an idiot. Lonely. I am a HUGE target while I am waiting. I let my thoughts wander wild and UN-true when I am waiting. Well…I am NOT going to do that NOW. Here’s what I know.
If I am waiting, waiting on God, and He doesn’t feel near, I KNOW He says He’ll never leave me or forsake me. I KNOW He loves me. I KNOW He demonstrates His love for me, and DOES demonstrate His love for me in like a kazillion ways. When I’ve been the MOST vulnerable…and I have a very long road to go with that……He SHOWS UP. He blesses my socks off… He melts me, moves me. THAT is the truth. He has NOT let me face shame…He only ever is about lifting it and bringing me love and honor. HONOR… ME!??? He crowns me with His love, graces me with His patience and belief that I WILL CLING TO HIM… He is fantastic about proving His love to me over and over. He lets me in on His heart, shows me MINE, touches me in the depths of my soul… where only HE can go. Right now… this place of shame/wait… Lord.. COME IN!! I welcome YOU Holy Spirit. I WELCOME YOU!!! I praise YOU in the wait. I lift up my eyes, my gaze… and say.. YOU are worth the wait Jesus!!!! You are worth pursuing… Like Mary… who didn’t know what in the world to do once you were gone… she hung around your grave… just hung around… being with you…even though you weren’t there. She stuck her neck out soooo far… and YOU SHOWED UP! Who would have EVER dreamed THAT would or COULD happen!!!! YOU showed up Jesus… when you were supposed to be DEAD. Lord, let me HANG AROUND…. Long after everyone else has given up. LET ME hang around waiting, hoping, pacing, crying, dancing, whistling…. I know YOU are here! You’re not invisible… you’re NOT busy…you’re listening, looking, seeing, MOVING, acting, releasing, healing, creating, designing….orchestrating, playing, swinging, and are at peace with all that concerns me.
Why is it that I want to RUN so fast and far when there is ‘wait time’ in connecting with my friends. So many times, my heart is tempted to assume the ‘worst’… I am 2nd, I am 3rd, 5th, 19th, they have issues with me, they’re drifting away, I’m boring, blah blah blah.. on and on… Well, that’s a BUNCH of crap. I’m here to say NO to that crap. I KNOW I am loved, and THEY know I love them. We are NOT going to stay here anymore you STUPID devil. Lord, thank you for all you were revealing this morning about the word steadfast. What’s locked in my heart and spirit...without the benefit of ‘notebook cheating’… it means NOT GOING ANYWHERE….immovable, strong, enduring, willing to WAIT a long time. Not going to leave when needed the most. NEAR… closing the gap of space and time. NO SPACE. There’s NO space when there’s steadfast. It’s like a hug. NO space. I’m HERE. You can’t get rid of me… and I know you don’t want to. We all want to run, it’s hard to face fear, hard to believe that we won’t be left and abandoned when our hearts are breaking…but I CHOOSE to stay in this gap Jesus. I choose to fight for the FACT that what you’ve begun, you will carry on to completion. It’s a GOOD thing. I lift up all that is precious to us…the nearness, the fun, the laughter, intimacy, closeness, feeling special, knowing we are known, an open unlocked door, access, nakedness, support, favor, loyalty, security, TIME, availability, comfort, being listened to, being forgiven, trusted, looked at, touched, smiled at, winked at. GOD… alllll of this… I lift up to YOU. COME AND consume our hearts… the longing, what feels like FAR… AND what feels like NEAR… and make it holy and good and true and FILL all the empty places. We rejoice over the empty places. The space is joy. The space is joy.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Trying to be OK
Today I made a list. I hate lists. It was the only thing I could come up with to save me from my husband’s list though. It worked like a charm. He even helped me get things done on my list. Not the plan, but I avoided grumpy from his list pressure at least.
The bad news is I still felt grumpy. The grumpy that comes from sad. I’m realizing that sad and grumpy are pretty good friends.
So, I was out in my yard attempting to feel OK. It was supposed to be a good thing to do something aside from laundry, dishes, meals, bills and the kids’ schedules. I thought it might feel normal to get the weeds out. It didn’t feel normal at all. Weeding is something you do when you’re happy you live somewhere. You want it to feel like home. It’s something you do to take care of things you like. I don’t feel like taking care of anything or anyone right now. I’m doing it anyways. I was hoping it would ‘work’ and kick me back into some sort of normal rhythm. In the quiet, a huge well of sad began to bubble up again.
My garden was a total mess. I hadn’t pruned anything since the beginning of May. I started at the driveway and worked my way around the ‘easy side’ of the house first. I sat on a lawn bag, and fought back tears as I plucked stupid weeds. One thing that was sort of fun was finding a number of little blue Lobelia under my cherry tree. I didn’t know Lobelia’s could be volunteers. Normally this would make me REALLY happy. My heart hardly flinched.
As I was rounding the corner, encroaching on the mess of roses that needed me, my heart sank at the thought of how much I hate the quiet because it makes me realize how much I miss M. Almost immediately I could hear her in my head. “But I want you to miss me.” It made me laugh and cry at the same time, something she’s really good at. Only a friend like her can make you feel "OK" when she's not even there. Especially since she's not even there. Thanks for helping me feel 'normal' again friend.
The bad news is I still felt grumpy. The grumpy that comes from sad. I’m realizing that sad and grumpy are pretty good friends.
So, I was out in my yard attempting to feel OK. It was supposed to be a good thing to do something aside from laundry, dishes, meals, bills and the kids’ schedules. I thought it might feel normal to get the weeds out. It didn’t feel normal at all. Weeding is something you do when you’re happy you live somewhere. You want it to feel like home. It’s something you do to take care of things you like. I don’t feel like taking care of anything or anyone right now. I’m doing it anyways. I was hoping it would ‘work’ and kick me back into some sort of normal rhythm. In the quiet, a huge well of sad began to bubble up again.
My garden was a total mess. I hadn’t pruned anything since the beginning of May. I started at the driveway and worked my way around the ‘easy side’ of the house first. I sat on a lawn bag, and fought back tears as I plucked stupid weeds. One thing that was sort of fun was finding a number of little blue Lobelia under my cherry tree. I didn’t know Lobelia’s could be volunteers. Normally this would make me REALLY happy. My heart hardly flinched.
As I was rounding the corner, encroaching on the mess of roses that needed me, my heart sank at the thought of how much I hate the quiet because it makes me realize how much I miss M. Almost immediately I could hear her in my head. “But I want you to miss me.” It made me laugh and cry at the same time, something she’s really good at. Only a friend like her can make you feel "OK" when she's not even there. Especially since she's not even there. Thanks for helping me feel 'normal' again friend.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Important appointments- we'll see.....
Appointment breakthrough! Here's the rundown, and you KNOW I'm proud of this!!
Monday the 11th at 11am (there's those 11's again!) eye doctor
Monday the 11th at 1:15pm- vet
Wednesday the 13th at 3:30pm - hair
Tuesday the 19th at 8:30 - mammogram (you know I'll be posting about THAT appointment)
Monday or Tuesday (TBA) the 18th or 19th - pedicure
Wed June 24th at 3:30 - orthodontist for C.
I CAN believe I was holding out for all of that, because when you look at it... all of it except the mammogram really doesn't seem too important... in the big scheme of things. BUT... who knows??? God knows!!! Each appointment will have some sort of importance, even though it isn't the end of May yet.
Monday the 11th at 11am (there's those 11's again!) eye doctor
Monday the 11th at 1:15pm- vet
Wednesday the 13th at 3:30pm - hair
Tuesday the 19th at 8:30 - mammogram (you know I'll be posting about THAT appointment)
Monday or Tuesday (TBA) the 18th or 19th - pedicure
Wed June 24th at 3:30 - orthodontist for C.
I CAN believe I was holding out for all of that, because when you look at it... all of it except the mammogram really doesn't seem too important... in the big scheme of things. BUT... who knows??? God knows!!! Each appointment will have some sort of importance, even though it isn't the end of May yet.
Alright already....I can't take the eyes
I know I need to get something ‘done’ today. I have phone calls to make, thank you notes to write, and some to-do lists that have been waiting for the ‘end of May’ to complete, for fear that I am going to miss something important because of some stupid appointment on the calendar that really didn’t ‘matter’. If M knew, she’d not be happy. But she doesn’t, so I’m safe for now…. at least I’m telling myself I am.
I've learned to get used to that uncomfortable yet unexpectedly welcome feeling I get when M calls my bluff so much that I don’t bother anymore. She's a friend who knows how to gently probe when I've got my 'I'm OK heart' on just for kicks, and now has it down to 'just' a look that loudly communicates.. “ OBEY…. or I’ll keep looking at you and make you sweat till you’re dehydrated.” Do you know anyone like this? Well, God uses her many times when her voice isn’t technically audible. She sometimes sounds like the Holy Spirit, cuz I think it's quite possibly the Holy Spirit. Only He can be that lovingly obnoxious and get away with it. It's probably why I can't hide very well. I just might share more about that later.
So, I pretty much ran a red light today and then was immediately convicted that I wasn’t allowing God’s delays and wasn’t trusting Him. I repented right away and asked God to realign my time tables. At the next light I gladly stopped on yellow. I was on my way over to M’s house to drop off some CD’s I just got for her. Gift giving is one of my favorite things to do. It’s a 'God high' I can’t explain, and is one thing that is really hard to ‘not do’ as freely with her as before as she is trying to get RID of things at this point… not accumulate them. So…. shampoo, conditioner and CD’s, they’re all still safe giving territory.
As I drove up the street, I didn’t see her car. I decided to do a drop-off in her mailbox and let it not be about the thrill of seeing her receive.
I got back in my car, happy and yet a little disappointed that I missed her, as the times are dwindling that the in-person connections will happen. As I turned off her street towards my next destination, I looked in my rear view mirror and there in the distance was a very familiar looking red Rendevous. I slowed to my stop sign and sure enough, it turned down her street. CRAP. If it was really about just blessing her and being selfless conduit, I needed to keep going on my way. And then the thought…..if only I had stopped at that yellow light at Henderson and Olentangy, maybe it wouldn’t be one or the other. Hummmm… I don’t know, but I think I’ll take down my heart notes on this one quickly before the next waiting lesson comes around the corner.
Well, as a matter of fact, maybe it has. See, it’s happening again I can see those eyes...ouch! I wonder if me NOT scheduling my mammogram, hair, pedicure, vet appt, eye appointment and ortho for C is not trusting God? Humm.. I wonder?? YIPES!!! Now that’s getting personal. I soooo don’t want to be tied up if there’s a going away something or other that pops up between now and then or she needs prayer or ANYTHING for that matter.
I get it Lord. I am totally not trusting You with timing. I know I’ve needed to be available, but I have NO idea when she’s actually leaving, although it’s supposed to be the end of May, and yet maybe as important, I have no idea what ministry opportunities You have for me in May that I'm running a red light over. If I’m honest though… there is a part of me that just doesn’t care right now. A part of me doesn’t want to be used till she’s gone if it’s an ‘either or’ situation. I know that’s so bad. She’s taught me so much about being in the moment, being present. I'm so still in Kindergarten learning THAT one! God priorities. I’m so afraid of missing out, missing something, missing her.
I know… I’ll start making my appointments, I can’t take the eyes.
I've learned to get used to that uncomfortable yet unexpectedly welcome feeling I get when M calls my bluff so much that I don’t bother anymore. She's a friend who knows how to gently probe when I've got my 'I'm OK heart' on just for kicks, and now has it down to 'just' a look that loudly communicates.. “ OBEY…. or I’ll keep looking at you and make you sweat till you’re dehydrated.” Do you know anyone like this? Well, God uses her many times when her voice isn’t technically audible. She sometimes sounds like the Holy Spirit, cuz I think it's quite possibly the Holy Spirit. Only He can be that lovingly obnoxious and get away with it. It's probably why I can't hide very well. I just might share more about that later.
So, I pretty much ran a red light today and then was immediately convicted that I wasn’t allowing God’s delays and wasn’t trusting Him. I repented right away and asked God to realign my time tables. At the next light I gladly stopped on yellow. I was on my way over to M’s house to drop off some CD’s I just got for her. Gift giving is one of my favorite things to do. It’s a 'God high' I can’t explain, and is one thing that is really hard to ‘not do’ as freely with her as before as she is trying to get RID of things at this point… not accumulate them. So…. shampoo, conditioner and CD’s, they’re all still safe giving territory.
As I drove up the street, I didn’t see her car. I decided to do a drop-off in her mailbox and let it not be about the thrill of seeing her receive.
I got back in my car, happy and yet a little disappointed that I missed her, as the times are dwindling that the in-person connections will happen. As I turned off her street towards my next destination, I looked in my rear view mirror and there in the distance was a very familiar looking red Rendevous. I slowed to my stop sign and sure enough, it turned down her street. CRAP. If it was really about just blessing her and being selfless conduit, I needed to keep going on my way. And then the thought…..if only I had stopped at that yellow light at Henderson and Olentangy, maybe it wouldn’t be one or the other. Hummmm… I don’t know, but I think I’ll take down my heart notes on this one quickly before the next waiting lesson comes around the corner.
Well, as a matter of fact, maybe it has. See, it’s happening again I can see those eyes...ouch! I wonder if me NOT scheduling my mammogram, hair, pedicure, vet appt, eye appointment and ortho for C is not trusting God? Humm.. I wonder?? YIPES!!! Now that’s getting personal. I soooo don’t want to be tied up if there’s a going away something or other that pops up between now and then or she needs prayer or ANYTHING for that matter.
I get it Lord. I am totally not trusting You with timing. I know I’ve needed to be available, but I have NO idea when she’s actually leaving, although it’s supposed to be the end of May, and yet maybe as important, I have no idea what ministry opportunities You have for me in May that I'm running a red light over. If I’m honest though… there is a part of me that just doesn’t care right now. A part of me doesn’t want to be used till she’s gone if it’s an ‘either or’ situation. I know that’s so bad. She’s taught me so much about being in the moment, being present. I'm so still in Kindergarten learning THAT one! God priorities. I’m so afraid of missing out, missing something, missing her.
I know… I’ll start making my appointments, I can’t take the eyes.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Mercy triumphs
I don't know where to start. I just have to jump in where I am...(more about that later)
For those of you who don't know what's going on, you'll just have to scrunch your eyebrows and come back later.
Hit a HUGE bump yesterday. Got the wind big time knocked outta me. God has been ministering to me sooooo deeply though and I am off to Kohls, in obedience, to buy the lightest pink, cozy, soft, on the clearance rack hoodie of MERCY. Haven't seen it... but He's telling me it's there.
He was speaking some very intimate things to me in the middle of my heart writhing and is settling what I cannot believe could be settled in me. So...I guess you could call that joy, because it's strengthening me.
Territory is very important to me. I don't understand why it feels like I'm losing it, when it was HIS idea in the first place.
One thing I know, He is putting me in a new place. A heart place. And I'm going to be glad He did this work in me when I see where we can go from here.
For those of you who don't know what's going on, you'll just have to scrunch your eyebrows and come back later.
Hit a HUGE bump yesterday. Got the wind big time knocked outta me. God has been ministering to me sooooo deeply though and I am off to Kohls, in obedience, to buy the lightest pink, cozy, soft, on the clearance rack hoodie of MERCY. Haven't seen it... but He's telling me it's there.
He was speaking some very intimate things to me in the middle of my heart writhing and is settling what I cannot believe could be settled in me. So...I guess you could call that joy, because it's strengthening me.
Territory is very important to me. I don't understand why it feels like I'm losing it, when it was HIS idea in the first place.
One thing I know, He is putting me in a new place. A heart place. And I'm going to be glad He did this work in me when I see where we can go from here.
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