Trying to be OK

Today I made a list. I hate lists. It was the only thing I could come up with to save me from my husband’s list though. It worked like a charm. He even helped me get things done on my list. Not the plan, but I avoided grumpy from his list pressure at least.
The bad news is I still felt grumpy. The grumpy that comes from sad. I’m realizing that sad and grumpy are pretty good friends.
So, I was out in my yard attempting to feel OK. It was supposed to be a good thing to do something aside from laundry, dishes, meals, bills and the kids’ schedules. I thought it might feel normal to get the weeds out. It didn’t feel normal at all. Weeding is something you do when you’re happy you live somewhere. You want it to feel like home. It’s something you do to take care of things you like. I don’t feel like taking care of anything or anyone right now. I’m doing it anyways. I was hoping it would ‘work’ and kick me back into some sort of normal rhythm. In the quiet, a huge well of sad began to bubble up again.
My garden was a total mess. I hadn’t pruned anything since the beginning of May. I started at the driveway and worked my way around the ‘easy side’ of the house first. I sat on a lawn bag, and fought back tears as I plucked stupid weeds. One thing that was sort of fun was finding a number of little blue Lobelia under my cherry tree. I didn’t know Lobelia’s could be volunteers. Normally this would make me REALLY happy. My heart hardly flinched.
As I was rounding the corner, encroaching on the mess of roses that needed me, my heart sank at the thought of how much I hate the quiet because it makes me realize how much I miss M. Almost immediately I could hear her in my head. “But I want you to miss me.” It made me laugh and cry at the same time, something she’s really good at. Only a friend like her can make you feel "OK" when she's not even there. Especially since she's not even there. Thanks for helping me feel 'normal' again friend.